Why do I seem to hook up with people that are emotionally unavailable???

[catc]

Well, I think I've done it again....and I thought that I was being more aware of it this time around....

I seem to get involved with men that are emotionally unavailable....I realized I had done this with my ex and seem to have continued doing this with the past three people that I have dated. The present person was widowed 2 years ago...he had been involved with other people before me so I felt he may had been better adjusted going into this new relationship with me....We got along great and there didn't seem to be any red flags...Things did evolve quickly between us but it seemed natural....well all of a sudden I don't hear from him...he is a doctor so I figured he was buried in work which, he was but still no calls, nothing... this man was probably one of the most sincere genuine people I have ever met( there are people who worked with him and that met him as well who felt the same way about him) so it didn't fit that he was just blowing me off....when I did finally get a hold of him on the phone he told me I was one of the sweetest people he had ever met and when feelings developed as silly as it sounded, he felt guilty even though his wife was deceased...felt he was moving too fast..I tried to talk with him and tell him he had no reason to feel guilty and that we could also take things slow if he wanted to ......so we agreed to talk about it over the weekend and he promised he'd call and here it is a week later and still no call....I  can understand this conflict of emotion he is experiencing and realize he needs to work through this but meanwhile I am so hurt by the silence...I thought we could at least talk about it....Driving into work this morning I realized...here I go again...a man that is emotionally unavailable....For now I think I should let him be but I also need some kind of closure....I thought about trying again in a week or so to see if he would get together with me and talk this through or simply writing thoughts down about it and mailing it to him....I just can't believe that the past 4 men in my life and even further back to before I was married were with men that were unavailable to me emotionally...why do I do this and how can I stop falling into this pattern? I have tried to figure out why I fall into this pattern and I really don't see it until the relationship is in crisis or over....I don't even know at this time, if it means this particular relationship is over...I am in limbo....I would appreciate any advice....Thanks!~Chrys

[Marussia]

Dear Chrys
I don't know what kind of advice you'll be getting about your relationship patterns from the coaches' perspective, but I'll be very interested because in my own experience, I seem to get into the same predicament (repeatedly).
As far as this relationship you talk about is concerned, i doubt you can expect anything further.  If there's been talk about feeling guilty and not wanting to rush things, and then no calling, there's your answer right there - clear as a bell.  I don't think you will understand it any better with more explanations, and you will only hurt yourself more by dwelling on it. In my view, you would be much better off just letting go, and don't feel guilty or bad. His behaviour has nothing to do with you in the first place.
take care
Marussia

[catc]

Thank you Marussia...I have done exactly what you speak of...I just let it go...gave him the space he needs...he did leave a message on my machine Friday apologizing for the behavior...saying he thought he had a grip on his feelings...he was feeling bad and was hoping I would speak with him...so we will see...I am feeling better that he did apologize because I thought I had a good read on this person and it was blowing my mind.... Isn't it strange how we fall into these patterns and even when we think we got it, we do it again....all part of life's lessons I guess. Thanks again for the reply...~Chrys

[Michael Neill]

Just curious, Chrys -

How would he have behaved if he had been emotionally available?

love,
michael

[Marussia]

hmmm.... good point, Michael   

Chrys, you and I should maybe ask ourselves a few more of these questions

I came across this link

http://www.mandyevans.com/travelingfree35.html

take care
M.

[catc]

I guess Michael, I feel that if he was emotionally available he would communicate with me and not shut me out..I feel like an iron curtain dropped and he was like I can't deal with this I can't deal with my emotions over this and disappears. which would make him emotionally unavailable...right???..we should be able to at least talk about this just as a  consideration factor because there are feelings involved here......If the table was turned and it was me, if I was in conflict with my feelings over what I was feeling for someone now deceased and a new person that has entered my life...that conflict does not make me emotionally available to begin a new relationship..ohy...does that make sense? or...maybe you are somewhat emotionally there but not totally....he calls leaves a message that he will call and then disappears...I think he is struggling with his emotions....
Before this went down I can honestly say he was one of the nicest most sincere people I've met in a long time....the behavior just doesn't fit....my thought is that he needs his space to figure it out or come to grips...
Thank you for helping me think this thru...~Chrys

[aniinl]

Hi Chrys,

thanks for sharing your story. Just wanted to let you know that I can totally relate to you... I've just come out of a (short) relationship that sounds just like the one you described. Things went very fast, very intense and suddenly they were over. I had the best time with him, we seemed a perfect match, he even took me home to meet part of his family, but still, shortly afterwards I got the "it's not you, it's me" speech... Not even speech - email!!
And what do I do? I totally understand him, think I probably wouldn't have a relationship either if I were him (lots of stuff going on in his life), blah blah blah. Why can't I just tick out and throw things at him? Why do I always have to "understand" people? He doesn't bother, he just dropped me and doesn't care how I am doing... Sometimes I really wish I had more temperament... :-)

OK, sorry to draw attention to "my case" and talk all about myself...

You know, what I like about your post is that you say "Why am I doing this?" - recognising that it might be something that you do that attracts those men. If it's something you do, means that you can change it.
I think we maybe have kind of a "helper syndrome" or something. Ok, maybe I shouldn't say "we". I will just say "I" and you can judge for yourself if you can relate to it or not.

In my case, I think I can trace it back to the man it started with. He was "damaged" and when we met I could tell he was totally happy, and he would tell the whole world he can only sleep without nightmares when I'm next to him, etc. Wow, that was better than an "I love you" for me and it made me feel soooo goood! And since then I think I always went for the guys who were "different" and had something that needed to be fixed and I wanted to be the one fixing it and be the most important person in their lives to them and the only one who really really understands them etc. - How selfish is that??? Could it be that I'm craving for attention or something?

OK, I think you have just coached me, because this whole revelation just came to me while I was typing. Isn't it great how sometimes you only notice what you're thinking, when it's on the page? Writing is such great therapy...

Anyway, you should also benefit from my babbling, not only I So here's a (maybe old) tip, but in case you haven't tried it yet, I find it very useful (though simple):

- Write down 15 traits/qualities that the man of your dreams should have
- Write down 15 things that he must not have

Go through the first list again and mark 5 that you couldn't live without (the other 10 would be "nice to have")
Go through the second list again and mark 5 that he really absolutely must not have (the rest you could maybe live with )

- Write down 15 traits/qualities that your man of your dreams (from list no. 1) would look for in a woman
Go through your list again and mark the ones that you have...

I find this to be an eye opener. How much do the men we date match our "perfect man"? And how much do we resemble the woman that they would look for? It's a nice way to find out where you have to start to make changes.

Also, in addition to that, think where this perfect man would hang out and if he could actually find you! That's also an interesting one...

You know what, I'm going to make another list now...

Good luck
Anja

[catc]

Hi Anja,
Thank you for your insight...I will try making the list...I've read about this and how it can help....

I was labeled co-dependent back when I was going through my divorce...I read books on it as a way to help me identfy that I had this trait....Thought I had a handle on that but it  is something that creeps in on me unknowingly ....

Yes, It must be something I am doing...but What? I think I have to focus more on exactly what I want to get away from repeating the pattern....Thought I had when this man came along but when I think of it, I was a little concerned about how it was going to go being that he lost his wife 2 years ago....When I heard he had dated 2 other people before me I felt relieved as he may have already gone through the transitioning period with someone else...guess I was wrong....Two weeks ago, he left a message on my home machine telling me he was sorry, that he thought he had a grip on things but guessed he didn't...said he hoped I would be tolerant of his behavior and hoped I would still want to speak with him....I waited till the following day to leave a message as I would welcome speaking with him at anytime...also put out an invitation to come over for dinner to break the ice and be able to talk in private as opposed to a restaurant....that was 2 weeks ago...I have a feeling I will  hear from him eventually...I am just going to give him his space.... This is where I need to re-evaluate and make a decision and that is hard for me as I follow what my heart tells me most of the time.....
But Anyway didn't mean to go off on a tangent....Thank you again for the list idea...I am going to do this ...I am sure it will help with my intentions and what I will attract to me...It is true...You attract what you think about.....Thanks again. Take Care~Chrys