I was talking with a potential client recently who told me that one of her most important goals was 'to become less judgmental'. When I asked her why she wanted that, she said (without a trace of irony) 'because making judgments is wrong.'

The fact is, no matter how much many of us think we 'shouldn't' judge, we are so conditioned to do so that without increasing our self-awareness, we will not only judge one another but we will continually judge ourselves and even our judgments!

In order to begin gently upping our awareness, it is useful to make a clear distinction about what constitutes a judgment (as opposed to an assessment or distinction, both of which are essential in the process of making decisions and moving towards goals).

Here's the distinction that I use, based on the work of Barry Neil Kaufman (see the 'Want to Learn More?' section at the end of the tip to learn more):

*A judgement is any evaluation of something as being good, bad, right or wrong

When we judge (describe something in terms of external moral values), we are essentially setting ourselves up as moral arbiters, claiming we know best what God wants or the world is supposed to be like. Not only is this a trifle presumptuous, it creates an environment where conflict and violence are both natural and ongoing. (If that doesn't make sense to you yet, simply imagine someone you don't really know repeatedly and forcefully telling you that you need to change because they're right and you're wrong. Notice if you feel more personally inclined towards conflict or violence!)

One remedy for this is understanding a language pattern called 'lost performatives'. A lost performative occurs in our language any time we make a judgment but leave out the identity of the person making the judgment. That is, we literally 'lose the 'performer' of the judgment. And for most of us in most situations, that performer (i.e. the one doing the judging) is us!

Here are some examples of how people use 'lost performatives' to disguise their own opinions and preferences:

'That dog is ugly.' instead of 'I don't like the way that dog looks.'
'The government is wrong.' instead of 'I don't agree with governmental policy.'
'She is a great singer.' instead of 'I really enjoy her singing.'

The minute we 'reclaim the judge within' and take ownership of our own opinions and preferences, we simplify our communication (and our lives) tremendously and reduce the opportunity for creating conflict and violence. When we hear someone else communicating in this way, we can begin to listen for and appreciate their unique point of view instead of getting caught up in disagreeing with and even fighting against their overly generalized judgment.

Ultimately, each time we let go of a judgment (without necessary letting go of our own preference and/or opinion), we experience greater freedom in our lives.

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Today's Experiment:
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1. Think about something or someone you are judging to be good, bad, right or wrong. What is the opinion or preference you are basing your judgment around?

2. Listen out for other people's judgments of you or the world. Notice how quickly you can 'translate' their judgments into statements of their own personal opinions or preferences.

3. Let go of at least one judgment today. You can do this by converting it to the opinion or preference behind it, or even by letting go of defending it. If you like how it feels, let go of more. Even letting go of just one judgment a day can lead to a tangible increase in your sense of happiness and well being.

Have fun, learn heaps, and if you don't for goodness sake don't judge yourself as bad or wrong!

With love,
michael

PRINTABLE VERSION HERE

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